"Father, I´m a sinner. I´m a Lesbian!"

May 2011

 

After having been a deeply religious little girl, I’m coming back to Catholic Church as a lesbian woman. I’m planning to confess six different priests my sin: I fell in love for another woman and as I’m loving her so much, we’ve just started a relationship. While I enter the first parish, I’m wondering: Which way will priests receive me after hearing my confession? Will they take me in as I am? Will they be understanding and indulgent towards me and my happiness? Will they treat me as if I were a lascivious woman or a madwoman? Will they despise me? Let’s find it out! I’m about to get to my first confessional box. Hail Purerst Mary…

Just a few days before Easter week, a priest in Valencia denied the Holy Sacrament to a 52 year-old woman named Pilar Gómez. Why? Because Pilar is a lesbian and she’s living along with another woman: her “unnatural” wife. When Pilar -a practising Catholic woman- demanded an explanation, that priest made her realize she was not a sinner because she was a lesbian but because she was letting everybody know that. That is, because she shows off her sexual orientation and she doesn’t hide it inside her cellar.

I was christened so I’m one of the about 1,180 million people around the world who are part of the Catholic Church, according to 2011 Pontifical Annual. We are almost 17,5% in world population. When I was a little girl and a teenager I was an example of Catholic virtuosity: I wanted to become a saint woman. It was my inmost and lovest eagerness. I studied at a Catholic School managed by nuns; I attended mass every single Sunday with my grandparents; most Fridays I didn’t eat meat; I never went to sleep without praying before that; and I took part in several Catholic missions, trying to evangelize those people who didn’t know the Word of God. Many months have gone by since I was that little girl who wanted to become a saint. A little girl who hid the Holy Sacrament under her pillow to take a piece every day as to get closer and closer to that beloved saintliness. Now I’m an activist lesbian and I want to know if “my” Catholic Church is willing to take me in again. Will they accept my return with great hugs and a banquet as in the Prodigal Son Parable? I want to find it out and that’s why I’m going to enter six different parishes in Madrid to confess my lesbianism, discover if God is still loving me, if God accepts me as I am, if I can enter Paradise or if my childhood and youthful years devoted to serve “my” Church were useless.

First Station: I’m not a monster.

Before going to confess I must change my real background. I don’t appear as a very experienced lesbian. Before priests I’m going to be a nice and chaste girl who fell in love with a feminine job partner and started a lesbian relationship two weeks ago. I’m feeling very happy in such an affair. And this is the first time in my life when I’m complete. No one of my former boyfriends could make me feel as good and complete as I’m feeling right now.

After listening to my words, the parish priest in La Latina neighbourhood starts by explaining something to me: “I’m not a monster.” As you all can guess, I’m breathing quietly at last. I’m not a monster, thank God! According to his speech, I’m not a monster but the way I chose is not right at all. At first he seems to be pretty indulgent. He understands perfectly I feel pleasure when I join a woman since God created carnal pleasure. But in order to make clear to me how inappropriate is such a diabolic pleasure, he brings up a really twisted metaphor: “This is the same as putting some sand in your eyes. It makes you feel very good, it makes you feel certain pleasure buy it’s not good. It hurts you a lot.” After thinking over these words, I can’t understand what the hell Catholic Church calls pleasure. I’m told not to remain in such a disgusting relationship and I’m ordered to break it up as soon as possible. “But, father, I’m really in love with her. I love her so much” – I answer him totally devastated.

“But, my darling, of course you are in love with her. And you may love her a lot. In fact you can love her as much as a mother loves her sick child. Or as a Christian woman loves beggars. You must, no, you have to look for a good man and have children to praise Our Lord”, he replies. “But, I slept with several men and I wasn’t happy with none of them. I attempted very hard, but there was no way, I couldn’t put up with their kisses or their caresses.” “Well, well, first of all you must realize men are not toys. You can’t play with them and afterwards throwing them away. You have to search a man even if you’re not going to be happy living with him. You can offer your unhappiness to Our Lord’s Glory. Besides, you can make the most of this chance by means of offering God your sorrow because you must leave that girl you talked about.” To finish he asked me to look for more confessors and avoid talking someone else on this matter. And of course I was told not to ask for more opinions or advices from other people but priests. He wanted me to be more virtuous, to read religious writings and listen to all comments from Benedicto XVI. As I’m trying to be an obedient Catholic woman, I’ve already read what the Pope says on this“trouble”. I’ve found out that according to his mastery, Homosexuality is such a great threat to Humanity as Climatic Change is. He refuses to sign a document from the U.N. devoted to decriminalize Homosexuality all around the world. And finally, I’ve discovered that lesbians and gays are not called to live in Garden of Eden after passing out. I was taught I’m not a monster but I’m really feeling like a hideous one.

Second Station: Sex is damnation.

In the second parish I visited, its priest didn’t feel like confessing anybody that day. When the man in charge of that church took me to the vestry in order to ask such a priest for some minutes to pay attention to me, he stared at me and started breathing very noisily as to let me know he was uneasy. When he heard my confession, he became even much ruder than he had been so far. He ordered me to get away from “my girlfriend” immediately. He ordered me not to meet her again. “Never!”, he added. “But she is my job partner, father” – I replied. “I don’t mind that at all! Change your job” – he answered. As if it could be so easy, taking into account unemployment rate in Spain. “This is a very serious sin; but I guess it’s not mortal yet since you both haven’t had sexual encounters, have you?” “Well, father, to be honest, we’ve had sex several times so far.” After my answer, his bothersome breathing turned up until it reached unbearable levels. “Then, yours is a mortal sin, mortal!”, he asevered. My penance is one Lord’s Prayer and one Hail Mary. It’s not eleven in the morning and I’m already feeling sick and my body seems to be made of stone. I guess this feeling is what must feel a monster that is about to be on the dole and to break up with her girlfriend.

Third Station: Love is not to be happy, but the opposite way.

I get a nice basilica in the center of Madrid. Thank God there’s a young priest in this church! However, my joy after thinking on indulgence and youth going together doesn’t last more than some minutes. This young prelate makes me clear that several years ago, His Holiness, told us that being a lesbian is not a sickness. It’s a trend to be avoided and corrected. He compares my sexual orientation to love women to what assassins feel when they’re killing somebody, to what a paedophile feels when he’s raping a little kid or to what thieves feel when they’re stealing. “But father -I highly disagree with him- those are very bad matters. What I’m feeling is love, love for a woman. Love is something good, and you can’t compare it to a murder or a rape.” “NO! You aren’t feeling love. Your ideas on what love is are wrong. Love is not what you think. It’s not to be happy, but the opposite way. Love is not looking for happiness or enjoying time. Love is walking and following the only right way; and this way is joining a man. That’s the one and the only way. You need to find some professional help as to overcome your problems.” “I’ve already looked for help, father. I’m attending a psychologist.” “And what did this psychologist say?” “I was told everything is fine, nothing is harmful. Being a homosexual is natural and I don’t need to feel remorses because of that.” “Pfff, psychologists are a gang of thieves! They told you what you want to hear and then they steal your money. You, my honey, you must look for a Catholic psychologist. He’ll tell you something quite different from this previous one.Besides you shouldn’t keep any lesbian friends around you. Stay away from them and be careful.” “So I’m not allowed to keep them as friends or girlfriends, am I?” “Yes, they can’t be your friends because homosexuals are always blaming Our Lord, His Holiness or the whole Church on every bad thing that happens in their lives. And particularly because you were created, your body was molded by Our Lord to complement with a male body. Your destiny is getting married to a man and having some children. That’s real Love. And if you don’t want to get married, you are not forced to. But remember you aren’t allowed to live as a lesbian since all lesbian relationships are wrong and their end is bad and disgusting. Being a lesbian is bad and sad. A murderer will never be happy, nor a paedophile. And it’s the same to a lesbian or a gay. You’ll get sick of that matter, of lesbian style of living. It’s impossible that something as unnatural as Homosexuality ends correctly.”

I’m leaving this chapel with my soul licking its tales. And my penance is reinforced with three Hail Mary and an invitation to attend a meeting on Catholic marriages. This priest is the one in charge of its contents and I must sing up for it as to learn what -according to Catholicism- Love really is. Love, a feeling that is very far away from happiness and pretty close to suffering.

Fourth Station: Bring socialists down!

When I’m confessed in a parish from Ventas neighbourhood, I get surprised. Besides the typical sermon I must put up with a political recommendation. As in the rest of my confessions, the priest asks me to leave immediately the woman I’m in loved with. He teaches me how to limit Love, since following his believes, Love can’t live in our hearts without limitations or some kind of tutelage. He makes me clear that it’s good for women to love other women. But when this feeling starts walking on a sentimental way it must be stopped as soon as possible. Otherwise, it would be the end of Humanity, its total extermination. “Besides, love between two women is illegal”, this peculiar priest assertes. “That’s not right, father. Here, in Spain, two women can get married and bring up children whose parents are they both.” At the same time my words are leaving my lips, his face starts distorting progressively. “My God, socialists, communists! That’s not one of God Laws. According to Our Lord that’s not allowed. Socialists are destroying our society! Yes, they are against Catholicism and Christianism in general. Zapatero and all his henchmen are atheists and they all are freemasones too. They just want to make Jesus Christ disappear from this country. If they could burn all churches in Spain they would carry it on willingly. But thay can’t burn them since many people would rise up. My darling, don’t pay any attention to all those bad seeds they are sowing. Don’t trust them at all! Don’t listen to their messages! You only must listen to Our Lord. Talk to that girl and tell her very clearly: ¡NO, NO! A flat NO! Don’t hesitate even if your heart seems to break in small pieces when you do so. Say NO! to that sort of carnal pleasure. You have to overcome your rejections to start a relationship with a man. You must regain your faith. And you must offer to Our Lord what’s more difficult to you.”

I completely forget my three Hail Mary while I’m leaving that church. My mind is thinking on that little girl who wanted to become a saint and was sure God loved her over all things in the world. That little girl who believed that God just wanted her to be happy and glad. Now, I don’t know if I feel sorry for that little girl I was or for God itself. At least for that kind of God who is portraied by the paintbrushes of Catholic Church.

Fith Station: Life is not living what one would like to live.

This is the first time in my particular Way of the Cross I’m not directly told by a priest what I have to do. This one doesn’t invite or force me to leave my girlfriend. “I’m not the one who must tell you what you have to do or to think. You must read, listen to, watch everything attentively and make your own decision -he says to me- Above all, you must think highly of yourself, and you must know yourself very well too. What could be the result if I gave you an order you’re not willing to obey? Now you’re well-informed. You perfectly know what Benedicto XVI says on this matter. And this is something is not going to be changed when a new Pope is elected.” “But father, I already know what the Pope says on lesbianism and I don’t like his message. I’m feeling very well with my girlfriend. I’m feeling happy in love with her. Our Pope’s words make us think all this feelings are aberrations. How is it possible that something as nice and good as this love we’re feeling could be such a bad thing?” “Well, this is the same as a man who says: “I prefer my neighbour to my wife”. And it makes him feel OK. Or a boy who dreams on being Cristiano Ronaldo; Or that one-legged person who would like not to be a disabled person… All those dreams and illusions are impossible. They are never going to come true. Life is not living what one would like to live. Everybody feels lazy when they get up in the morning to go to their jobs. They would like to be paid every month without waking up so early. We can’t live on our desires. Our dreams are not our lives.” “I thought we were here to be happy, to search our happiness. I’m a lesbian. It makes me feel happy and I can’t help it.” “You can be a homosexual and be a Catholic and believer person at the same time. And you can live a life full of faith. You can’t look for an excuse. I know several gays who are Caholic people. They decided to reject their homosexuality and they are married to women. They have children and they are very happy after coming back to the right way. At the end, we must accept everything in our lives. You have to make an effort to accept your own one; and according to your believes and all those texts you’ve already read or comments you’ve listened to so far. One man can’t say: “I prefer to live with my neighbour, I’m far more happy living with her. I feel so good when she´s next to me” However, of course he can’t say so if he wants to live honestly.” He doesn’t absolve me from my “sin”. He asks me to think over it carefully and to come back afterwards to confess it again. “You should take some time before doing so”, he adds. While I’m leaving this confessional box he reminds me to keep in my mind the Pope’s words since he’s the only one who’s not going to trick me. But then I’m not listening to him. I can’t put out of my mind those all gays and lesbians who can’t be happy because they believe what the Catholic Church says. They are unhappy since they believe those stories which teach us we can’t make anything as to live that life we would really like to live.

Sixth Station: Authentic love only appears when you are married to a man.

The last priest is a member of the Capuchins. It’s Maundy Thursday and Catholic souls seem to be excited since this is the first time I must join into the queue to be confessed. “You must think: Is this right? Is this a natural act? This is not natural or normal. So, do you really love Our Lord? If you really love him and you want to love that woman in a good way you must talk to her and ask her: Could we be just friends? If this is impossible, then you must let her go since this relationship is not good for you both in particular, nor for our society in general.” “But father, and what’s the matter with Love and Happiness?” “My darling, authentic love only appears when you are married to a man.” “But father, now I’m feeling…” “No, no. That pleasure you’re feeling now is wrong. That’s unnatural. There are many deviant people and we don’t know why. It may be a mistake. You’re not guilty for your feelings but you must avoid them. Our Lord is willing to forgive you. You are the same as the adulteress in the Gospel. Jesus Christ forgives her but he adds: “And don’t do that again”. God forgives you, but you don’t have to do it again.”

My experiment finishes leaving in my heart a very uncomfortable sensation. I’m not a monster but they make me feel like a hideous one. I’m not a sick woman but I’m a deviant person as rapists, assassins or paedophiles are. My body, my heart, my life, my feelings are not mine at all. I shouldn’t look for happiness. It doesn’t matter which is my sentimental goal or where my feelings rely on, as long as I don’t let anyone know them.

I’m very fed up with the results of my searching. I’m sick of those disgusting messages. And I’m feeling very sad too. And not just for me, but for all those credulous receivers who despite everything believe those messages.

 

Ilustraciones: Amelia Fragoso.

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