Clarissa Gonzalez tells us about being a lesbian in Brazil

May 2010

 

My family is very traditional. Military people, from both mother and father’s side. I was raised having catholic religion as a reference and studied in a convent school.

At least it wasn’t a boarding school, and there were boys too, not just girls. Luckily, that was already outdated in Brazil! And now that I think about it, I never liked that kind of segregation. I’ve always had friends of both sexes. It’s true I used to play more with boys though. Girls usually stayed indoors playing with their dolls which seemed the most boring thing in the world for me. I found it way more interesting to play ball or ride a bike. Perhaps for that reason, my best friends, from the earliest age, belonged to the opposite sex. I had more in common with them. And, of course, I got along better with them too. With girls, I had a polite relationship, but normally restricted to the school environment. This was the way things were: at school, I hanged out with girls, when I got home, with boys, it was playtime! Those circumstances made me close to boys/men since childhood. I was a friend, a counselor, and specially, their accomplice. The friendship with some of them remains strong until today. Many are quite close. Even those with whom I had a “thing” beyond friendship.

My parents worked all day so I grew up with my maternal grandparents. Because I was the first grandchild on my mother’s side, my grandparents spoiled me on everything. My father, more radical and an active military man, was harder on me. Sometime I had the impression that even though he took off his uniform when he got home, it was as if somehow he was still on the military barracks. My grandfather, a pilot, had an accident at a young age an retired early. Luckily for me…. they didn’t get to wash his brain! Despite the opposite sides – freedom with the grandparents versus the clashes with my father -, the truth is I had a wonderful childhood. I received lots of love, had many friends, I played with them and got good grades at school.

I tell you all this as a preamble. Regarding your question, it’s hard to locate the precise moment when I became . I remember I liked my female teachers a lot since I was a little girl. I loved them! I studied in mixed schools (including the convent school), so I also had male teachers, but of course I wasn’t so fascinated with them.

I have a portrait of my seventh birthday. In one of the pictures, I’m embracing a teacher. I look so happy! Whenever my mother invited people to celebrate my birthday, I asked her to bring my teachers. I think more or less at this age, although I had no consciousness of what it was, I cultivated a feeling for women that went beyond admiration. I was fascinated with them! I wanted them close to me! I wanted to share important moments of my life with them! I don’t know what I felt….but it was wonderful!

Despite catholic education and the military family, I never felt it as a wrong thing to feel…

Regarding the environment, I don’t think it defined my sexuality in such an incisive way. It might have had some influence, but I think sexuality depends on many different factors. Some people may say their lesbians for political reasons, for example, this is not my case. I’m a lesbian because of the affinity I have with women in a sexual and emotional level. I don’t deslike men. I’ve had good sex with them, and loved very much some of them. But I think I have involved my self in a deeper and more intense way with women. I don’t discard the possibility or say “I won’t drink from that water again”. Restricting yourself might turn out trapping yourself. Not that I consider myself bisexual. I just think that certain things change throughout your life and you gotta do whatever you want without worrying too much about the others. You should care about being happy and make the person you’re with also happy. That exchange with the beloved person is what really matters.