Lesbians and divorce

August 2010

Since july the 3th of 2005, citizens of Spain have the right to marry someone from the same sex. But they also have the right to get divorced. How do they face this?

To picture ourselves in this situation, first I’ll make a brief introduction about how we get married, so later I can explain how we get divorced.

According to recent data provided by the National Statistical Institute “among same-sex marriages, lesbian marriages include a 32.92%, while gay marriages include a 67.08%”. Based on this figures, gays marry twice compared to lesbians.

Antonio Poveda, president of the FELGTB comments on this: “This is revealing data as it clearly shows the invisibility of lesbian women. They marry less because of the fear of being discriminated. In the XXI century, when lesbians get married half the time gays do, is a clear indicative of how far the invisibility of our fellow lesbians go”. (1)

Between 2005 and 2008 is estimated that approximately 15000 same-sex marriages were celebrated. The FELGTB notes that in 2008 there were 10% more than in 2007 and that Madrid and Barcelona are the cities with more same-sex marriages celebrated, followed far behind by Valencia and Malaga proving that there are still social barriers when thinking about formalizing a relationship. (2)

While each divorce can be seen as a failure of coexistence, the estimated figures are not so high. The data available reveal us that between 2007 and 2008 there have been 175 divorces between people of the same sex: 111 gay divorces and 64 lesbian divorces, that is a 3.5% which amounts to a total of 10% if we add all divorces since the creation of the law. (3)

The statistics give us a very precise value of how much we get married and how much we divorce but, Do this figures give us perhaps a value of how much pain this causes, how hard it is to make this decision or the consequences for ourselves and our children?

Wanting to make a radical change in our lives, can’t stand our partners anymore, the passion is gone, fear of responsability, constant fights or infidelities, this are a few of the many grounds for divorce. All are permissible when accompanied by the sincerity and affection that our future former partners deserve for being our companions, probably for years.

“We can’t generalize, I don’t think that being a lesbian is a fact that makes me feel more or less pain” tells me a friend who is recently divorced. It’s true, we can’t say that all lesbian women have the same “modus operandi” when facing such a decision, whether being the one who leaves or the one being left; but what is certainly true is that women, mostly, we think a lot more when it comes to make decisions, our relationships are more intense, we argue more and I would even say it’s harder for us to definitely separate from each other (traditional lesbian rule: our exes never disappear, they become our best friends). It’s hard for us to have a divorce, to leave a quiet, secure, affective and comfortable life behind where we feel “at home”. It’s hard to think about facing life on our one, to count on no one but ourselves, and maybe that’s why, either we make a fast decision, without thinking it to much, or we won’t ever do it, although is not the best for both.

Most broken relationships I know have been very long relationship in which, fortunately or unfortunately, there are children. Having children is a handicap when it comes to divorce: will the kids take it bad? Will they be psychologically affected? Will they still love me if I leave?

Children are infinitely more intelligent than adults, they overcome and understand situations much better than we can ever imagine. Surely their first reaction will be surprise and not knowing what is going on, but you will see that later they’ll try to take advantage of the situation by blackmailing us and saying they’ll go with the other mommy if we don’t allow them to do this or that.

This are different phases which they have to go through and most of them are within the normal range. They may wet the bed again, even though they are older, get bad grades, fight with friends, become picky. But it will certainly come a moment when they’ll be interested to know what happened and may also play cupid on you trying to join you toghether again. They’ll never stop loving you if you leave home for good, they may be different for a while, but in the end you are still their mothers and they need you and love you above everything else.

From experience I won’t say it’s not difficult, because it is, a lot. If after a while the couple doesn’t get back toghether, the lives of the children will be separated forever having to go from house to house constantly.

If we want to safeguard our children’s emotional stability is essential to maintain a good relationship with your ex, that your kids see this, go out once in a while together and do activities with your children would be ideal. Of course, never talk bad about her in front of the kids and if you ever have to say she’s “the best mother in the world” then say so.

We have to keep in mind that for us they are our ex partners but for our little ones they will never be their ex mothers.

For more information (in spanish):

(1) Informe Matrimonio en igualdad 2008. FELGTB
(2) Informe Matrimonio en igualdad 2009. FELGTB
(3) http://www.ine.es/