On Knowing the Donor

June 2011

Lesbians who are not crazy murderers or tormented writers finally made it to Hollywood. The Kids are All Right, directed by lesbian director Lisa Cholodenko and starring the popular actresses Annette Bening and Julianne Moore as a couple with two kids, has been a smash hit this winter. However, not all lesbians are happy with the movie.

In the film, Jules and Nic’s children, who were conceived by artificial insemination, bring their birth father into their family life. Not only do they meet their donor, despite the fact that their mothers didn’t want him to be part of their lives, but one of the two women has a sexual relationship with him. You can guess why some lesbians found this outrageous. So much time spent proving that you don’t need a man and you fall for your kid’s donor! Other lesbians were ok with the story because they say that, at least, the movie shows a regular American family leading a regular American life, which proves that lesbian couples can raise healthy children.

In Spain, unless you did it at home with a turkey baster (and I dare you to find a turkey baster in a country where the only turkey you can buy in the supermarket are the cold cuts for your sandwich) and your best friend’s sperm, things like these are not likely to happen.

When you undergo a fertility treatment in Spain, the donor has to be your husband, in case you are straight and he’s not the one with problems, or else an anonymous donor. Known donors are not legal in Spain’s artificial inseminations or in vitro fertilizations. Let alone being able to browse the clinic’s website to read all the donors profiles and decide whether you’d rather go for the top notch lawyer or the melancholic bibliophile.

I have observed that Spanish people have started questioning the illegality of known donors. In fact, there is a website, co-padres.net, in which people can create their profile and find men or women with whom to have children. I can understand some of the reasons women might have for wanting to know their sperm donors. The main one is, I guess, to secure a possible relationship for their child, in case he or she wants to have contact with him. This brings me to a question lots of people ask me: “do you ever wonder how your baby’s father looks like?” But my baby doesn’t have a father! She has a donor, and although I feel very grateful for his generous donation, I really don’t care who he is. My daughter is unique and our family is sustained by love, not by biology.

Other women probably think that if they meet the donor, they will be able to determine whether he is a good person and not a psycho or a weirdo. But really, which traits are genetic? Besides, you are safer if you go to a fertility clinic, where there is a selection process donors have to go through.

Also, if you do it at home, the semen is fresh, and fresh semen contains more sperm than frozen one. However, there are more health risks when inseminating with fresh sperm, because you could contract a sexually transmitted disease.

To me and to many other lesbians, the main reason not to use a known donor is the potential legal risk that the donor will claim parental rights. As I said before, my daughter has two mommies who love and care for her, and hopefully, she won’t need anybody else. Although I am sure lots of known donor relationships are very positive, I am very happy with the law as it is, I think it will save lots of trouble to many lesbian (and straight) families.